You know how people keep a gazillion browser tabs open so they can watch that video or read that article? Well, I don’t. I have the tabs open for whatever I’m working on, tweetdeck and usually facebook. The rest I read/watch/file away. But today I’ve been sitting with a tab open for a very long time. I can’t just close it. I desperately want to, but I can’t.
You see, it has the number for my psychologist. I need to see her, but part of me is absolutely terrified of taking on this next part of therapy. What if I can’t be a nicer person? What if I still can’t maintain relationships? What if I keep manipulating situations with people I’m in a relationship with?
I realise I have a shitload of history that has ingrained terrible habits. It’s a daily fight to stop the habits depression left me with. There’s that constant self doubt. The minute I’m wrong or criticised I doubt the value of my life. It’s a very, very difficult habit to break.
The constant feeling of just wanting to die is gone. It has been for a while. But the habits have stayed behind and they are proving so incredible hard to break.
I have been a terrible friend, a difficult partner & I want to change it.
I need to make this phone call now. To take that first step again, and it’s fucking terrifying.
* Please don’t tell me that I’ve not been a terrible friend, etc, I might get it right now & then. That doesn’t mean I didn’t fuck it up in a whole lot of other places.